Fixing things

            Part of the joy and challenge of a low cash lifestyle (LCL) is the vast amount of things that you try to fix.

            Printer stopped working?  I've only had this thing 89 years...I'd hate to have to replace it...Maybe if I jostle the ink cartridge... 

            Light flickering?  Must be a loose wire.  Who needs an electrician!  I probably won't burn down the house.

            Stuck in 1855 with no gasoline?  No problem!  All we need is a train to fire up that flux capacitor.

           

            Admittedly, fixing things can often be somewhat fun or adventurous.  The more you try (and you get to try a lot!), the better and more capable you get.  You begin to get this feeling of invincibility, where you could fix anything!

            There are some caveats to learning how to fix everything under the sun. 
Four to be specific

• You become the expert amongst your friends and family.  Everyone begins to ask for your help.  Your phone will ring with every running toilet and leaking roof.  Family get-togethers always have someone telling you how not computer literate they are, asking if you can come over "and just take a look at it".
• You end up owning a bunch of janky shit and half finished projects.  Ever have three vehicles where only one runs?  A pile of hoodies missing zippers?
• You can't write projects off.  You keep trying no matter how grim the project may have become.  This one has the odd effect of not only distoring your relationship with objects, but with people as well.
• You become overly confident and begin amassing new incoherent projects to "fix up", like a non-running chainsaw collection, or buy a house that should have been demolished to save the rest of us from seeing an advocado and pink interior theme.

            Of course, it's not all bad. 

• Part of the joy of fixing everything is you begin to learn how everything works.  It takes some of the ambiguity out of life.  If your car doesn't start, you don't immediately think it will never start again: you troubleshoot it!  Then you find out it will never start again.
• You lose that sensation to call in a "specialist."  You realize that you can handle most anything that comes your way.
• You save money.  Sometimes.  Depends on how many times you have to fix it before you fix it.  If you don't understand this concept yet, don't worry, you will.
• You control the quality of the work.  Does it have to be perfect, or does it just have to keep out the really big animals?  Like large dogs or Jerry Garcia on a munchies bend?
• It's better for the environment!  Get with them hippie chicks dude!  You're saving the world by reusing and keeping stuff out of the landfill and other earthcrust stuff.
• A sense of accomplishment.  The funny thing about a sense of accomplishment is you don't even have to do a good job to get that.  You even get to look at woefully constructed projects reminiscent of soviet public works with the commanding sense of "I built that!"

            So what am I saying?  To live the LCL, you will have projects.  Some good, some bad, some necessary, others less.  Have fun with your projects, and make them your own.  As Red Green would say, "If it ain't broke, you're not trying!"  So don't be afraid to try and fail, you probably won't burn down the house.

Split Twelves and Peanuts

Like my associate, I keep a special place in my liver for the split-twelve. There is something so independent, so entrepreneurial, and so distinctly American about creating a six-pack where there is none. The sheer audacity sets my bootstraps a-quivering.

We verified the peanuts-and-beer concept last night. It works. Classic LCL fun. It started with a shuffling walk up to the corner Pic Pac under a light drizzle that wouldn't quite commit. For those of you that don't have Pic Pacs in your miserable benighted lands, it is a sort of commercial mule, the infertile hybrid offspring of a gas station Quick-E-Mart and a legitimate grocery. Beneath the off-white flickering of fluorescent bulbs, wilted produce and mystery meat lie like lost souls in the Egyptian netherworld waiting for judgement. After all, this is where food arrives after death, to be weighed upon scales like the hearts of the pharoahs, some chosen, others cast out into the night.

Fortunately, the canned and packaged stuff is less necrotic. In fact, a great deal of it's downright tasty. Every vegetable you could ever want is available in a plain yellow can that just says "TOMATOES" or whatever. Better yet, there's an enticing selection of sweet treats, the brightly colored plastic wrappers rendered far more seductive by their mysterious names - these are the off-brand snacks, the ones you've never seen an ad for and never will. Some were never famous to begin with: others have disappeared into pop-culture's Land That Time Forgot with nylon windbreakers and Royal Crown Cola.

But on this particular evening my associate encouraged me to forego the Palace of Unknown Pastries where the HFCS flows like wine. We were in the mood for something distinctly classic, and we knew it when we saw it: peanuts.

It is very important that the peanuts be in the shell, because this is what makes them fun. We'd already picked up the beer from the corner Stop-n-Rob where the clerk smokes Black and Milds behind the counter, but the split-twelve in and of itself would not be sufficient. We needed entertainment - and peanut shells provide that in spades, because you have to break them open to eat the nut, and then you can throw the shell at things.

It was a little chilly on the porch, so we opted for the indoors, chucking the dead shells into a mop bucket. In retrospect, we should have moved the bucket halfway across the room and done target practice. When the beer ran out, we made a quick run to the Stop-n-Rob again and came back with an eight-pack of Colt 45, the family-friendliest of the malt liquors. Something about it just makes you smile.

So, like a Mastercard ad:
peanuts: 2.99 (we only ate half the bag, so you could really knock this down to 1.49 or so)
beer: 4.99 (for a six-pack of Busch tall boys or an eight pack of Colt, whichever you prefer)

Total: fun night had for less than eight bucks. LCL.

Merkuh

You know, that last post sounded a little too strongly of a self-help book's first chapter...  Lets bring this back home.

You know what I love? 

Beer.

All beer. 

Well, almost all beer (trappists, I am looking at you).  I love the stouts, the porters, and the pale ales.  But do you know what I love unabashedly?  Cheap crap american macrobrews.  I am talking about the High Lifes, the Buschs, and the Colt 45s here.

In many aspects, adhering to the low cash lifestyle (LCL), almost requires a palate that enjoys these fine examples of American ingenuity.

For serious!  Go to your local whatever store and get a $10 six-pack of something classy, and a split 12 of Busch.  Drink one of those microbrew dandies, and then drink one of those Buschs.  Isn't the Busch horrible in comparison?  But something is compelling you to keep drinking the Busch, isn't it?  Be it alcoholism or a deep love of country and ones blue collar roots, something drives you to keep drinking the Busch!  The next thing you know you are walking back from the corner stop-n-rob with the other half of the 12 pack, and your a quarter of the way through a bag of unshelled peanuts cause god damnit you're a man and you can unshell your own damn peanuts!  You don't know why, but you somehow have this sensation, and an understanding, of how the American's totally whumped the Nazi's and we are going to skullfuck Osama bin laden.

So, here is what I am saying.  If you are sitting around home bored, find a friend and head to the store, get yourself a split 12 or an 8 pack of 45, and a bag of peanuts (unshelled!).  Get back home, don't turn on the TV, and start discussing shit.  It don't rightly matter what you discuss, just discuss something or make fun of a friend who couldn't make it.  You'll enjoy yourself.


As Lando said, "It works every time."

Remarkabilities

"People are so god damned boring" - George Carlin

Anyone can have a boring life, and most people do!  Truly, it is one of the most non-discriminatory aspects of American life; anyone can have an interesting or boring life, regardless of income.  A keen mind sees that it is easy to fall into a boring low cash lifestyle (LCL) slump; perchance one of going to work, coming home, eating in front of the television, beating the wife, falling asleep, and repeating everything the next day.  We hope to illustrate how to avoid these potholes and pitfalls in the LCL, as part of the challenge of a LCL is living a remarkable LCL.

Perhaps the best way to avoid a boring life is knowing the hallmarks of a boring life, or how to be "unremarkably average."  For starters, lets look at a list courtesy of Chris Guillebeau's book, The Art of Non-Conformity.  The list, aptly titled "11 Ways to be Unremarkably Average," illustrates how to live a "safe, comfortable life."  Ultimately a life of quiet desperation and boredom...  Enjoy!

"11 Ways to be Unremarkably Average"

1. Accept what people tell you at face value.
2. Don't question authority.
3. Go to college because you are supposed to, not because you want to learn something.
4. Go overseas once or twice in your life, to somewhere safe like England.
5. Don't try to learn another language; everyone else will eventually learn English.
6. Think about starting your own business, but never do it.
7. Think about writing a book, but never do it.
8. Get the largest mortgage you qualify for and spend 30 years paying for it.
9. Sit at a desk 40 hours a week for an average of 10 hours of productive work.
10. Don't stand out or draw attention to yourself.
11. Jump through hoops.  Check off boxes.

Obviously, we can add to this list, but that isn't our goal.  Our goal is to escape this list.  Over the next few months, we will illustrate means to escape, and show you how to live a remarkable LCL.

Introductions

As you can see from the post below, my associate needs no introduction. Allow me, then, to introduce myself and our concept.

People are dumb. This is why we have whole seminars dedicated to teaching us how to "think outside the box" and "manage creative capital." You know how to think outside the box? Stand on your toes and look over the edge of the damn box, that's how. Problem is, thinking doesn't get you outside the box. Yeah, sure, you can rock it back and forth until it falls over, but what if your box has a lid? Oooh. Toughie.

Anyways, if you are unlucky enough to have cable news in your box, you're aware that we're in a recession. All the happy flying dollar bills that usually circle around the nation's collective head have gone south for the winter, leaving us with nothing but student debt, human interest articles ad nauseum, and one free Dark Cloud of Sad Sadness over everybody. This is where we come in.

We're here to think INSIDE the box. The broke-box, if you will. Chin up, kid. Chances are, you are not the first person in history to have been as broke as you are. In fact, most people out there on our big blue marble don't have the resources most Americans have. And somehow, they all manage not to commit mass suicide from depression. There are reports that some even LAUGH occasionally.

We are here to find the fun inside the box. Decades of prosperity have given us a case of cultural amnesia. People didn't used to spend twenty bucks (inflation-adjusted) to go out and have a good time. They used to - in the words of crusty old codgers everywhere - "make their own fun."

Ladies and gentlemen, get ready for good times made from scratch.

low cash lifestyle

Further, this blog is being operated by part-time alcoholics.  Here, you will get to enjoy thoughtful reviews of bottom shelf bourbon, malt beverages, and the occasionally mislabeled toilet cleaner!  You should look forward to future posts about the redeeming and not so redeeming qualities of Stack high-gravity and 4LOKO, in addition to old favorites Crow and 8-star.  We might even review expensive booze, because this blog IS about living, and drinking, and being cheap to continue drinking!  Finally, we will look at things to stay entertained without breaking the bank, preferably with drinking.  Drinking.

low cash lifestyle

A blog about living a fun life without going broke by those who live and breath it.