Make Your Own Fun. Or Else.

Look out, folks! Pet peeve of the week is a-comin' your way!

PEOPLE WHO NEED TO BE ENTERTAINED.

I cannot emphazise this enough. It's not that I have something against entertainment. Movies and TV can be art at best and loads of fun even when they're terrible. But there's something intensely tragic about people who require some form of passive entertainment.

We've all seen it. Sitting around sad living rooms that never seem full no matter how many people plop down on the ugly blue couch and stare vacuously at the TV while their beers go flat. Suddenly, the movie or the game cuts to a commercial, and an awkward pause hangs over the audience. Taking advantage of the silence, the sponsors blare on about hemmorhoid cream until someone says, "Uh, are there any more nachos?"

It doesn't have to be this way. For starters, I personally believe that far too many living rooms are really just TV rooms. Try pointing the couches and chairs at each other. All of a sudden you'll notice something freaky - there are OTHER PEOPLE in this room! Chances are some of them even have something to talk about.

The fact of the matter is, a group of grown-assed adults sitting around complaining that there is "nothing to do" is just pathetic. Play cards. If you don't have cards, play charades. Tell a damn story. Walk down to the liquor store and spend forty-five minutes debating what to buy - and trust me, if you don't have a story to tell on the way there, hang around. You'll be sure to have one for the way back.

This is something I find deeply troubling about my generation. Perhaps too many of us spent too much time being shuttled from practice to practice in minivans, or maybe we're just dumb, but listen: you're going to spend roughly a third of your waking hours from age 18 on working for someone else. When you're off, you're off. Your time is your own. Don't just hand it over because you can't think of anything else. Embrace your time. Do things. Build things. Redecorate. Move the furniture. Open the hood of a car and stare at the engine until you know what that noise is.

But please, please, please - don't just sit there.
Nemo.

My Xmas Miracle

This Xmas I drove my car into a tree.

What a shitty year it's been. Every month getting worse and worse. And I drive my car headlong into a tree on Xmas. Fuck me running. Or driving. Well, if anything I am fucked. Good and proper.

I was coming down Eastern right past Barret and skid off the road, smashing a sapling, kissing a fire hydrant (Thanks Jake, I don't think I'll ever forget that phrase for the rest of my life) and driving smack dab into the trunk of a very large tree.

I'll tell you this much, my life sure as hell didn't flash before my eyes. Hell no. Nope, all I experienced was "Fuck, I'm toast."

THEN POW THE AIR BAG GOES OFF.

My first post-near death experience was to simply get really pissed. I had already left a party pissed and had just wanted to get home. Now? I drive my car into a tree. I can't even afford to pay my rent let alone repairs. and OH FUCK I JUST LEFT A PARTY WHERE I HAD A BOURBON AND COKE FUCK. 

I don't know if I turned the car off or if I just started wailing on the steering wheel. I mean, what a god damn way to end this shitty shitty year.

Then I walk out of the car. YES OF COURSE IT'S FUCKING COLD OUT. But then it occurs to me that I should probably check for bodily injury. Well, fuck me running, I'm without a scratch. Not even a burn from the air bag. Oh but wait a second I just drove my car into a fucking tree dammit all to hell!

Then up stroll a couple of guys. Start asking me if I'm ok and whole spiel. Turns out that one of them was apparently a paramedic who just happened to be driving the opposite direction and saw the whole thing. Starts asking how fast I think I was going and then starts telling me

"Oh, no you were probably going faster than that."

"Wha-"

"So where did you come from"

I didn't even have time to take it in that he would have confronted me about my mistaken judgement but whatever. I tell him I just came from up on Norris AveStDrWhatTheFuckEver

Of course he wants to know what's going on and getting in my business and asking a lot of dumb questions. Which of course, leads to the inevitable life lessons he's passing down. Now, it's not life lessons in the sense that "you should drive better." It was life lessons like "at least you're not dead". I was close to telling him to go fuck off, but I figure that in some fashion I'm making him feel better. I'm sure everyone of you who read this would have definitely surely told him to fuck off, but hindsight is 20/20 here, gang.

So inevitably, the cops show up and they take everybody's statements."I was coming from a party, had a drink..."

Pause. 

At this point, I'm not even going to try to lie to a cop. I'm no liar as it is. Besides, I JUST HAD THAT BOURBON AND COKE. I don't see how it's possible for him to not notice this. I just tell him how it is.

"... I was angry after the party, and I just wanted to go home, and the car started to skid. I tried to correct myself but flew right off the road into this tree. I would say I was going 45, but my friend here... well."

"Oh, he was going 50 at least for sure..."

What the hell can you do? I just let it go. I had enough to worry about and besides I wouldn't have to see this asshole again. Because why have an asshole when you've got a cop whose first question is always the ultra comforting

"Have you ever been arrested before?"

Holy shit. I nearly threw up. I do not want to get A) arrested again and B) sent to jail on fucking Xmas for fuck's sake!But I reign it in. I steel my reserve. "I'm not going to get arrested. Nope. Okay, maybe I am. So what. It's just on a Saturday night which means I'll be in until Monday. Fucking shit. Fuck this ye.."

"Yes." and on with those details. And all the rest of it.

Finished with the questioning, he inspects the car and the tire tracks and pops into his squad car. I'm standing out in the freezing ass cold in chucks for what seems like an HOUR (probably 5 minutes) while he fills out his report and paperwork and maybe secretly telling his friends how dumb I am. Finally he strolls out and it happens.

The test.

"Well it's over, me. We are well and truly fucked. We had a good run, but luck has finally..."Wait a second. He's going to test my balancing? My fucking balancing? DUDE YOU ARE MESSING WITH A FUCKING ACROBAT HERE. Or the next closest thing. The one where they balance themselves. Balancarina?

Shit I pass that thing with so many flying colors, I was amazed that he didn't give me a god damn hi-five and a bud light. Confidence, son! I sometimes have it!

Then I finally get to call for a ride. Thank christ that people I know have been in contact with me all night up until the wreck. Of course they've been drinking, so they don't just jump out of the car when the cops are still there, but when the cops are gone, they pop on out. 

One of them is so drunk he starts texting people to tell them that he is really drunk.

At this point I had gotten a hold of a tow truck and told the driver

"Take this sauced up bastard home before he throws up everywhere. He means well, but I don't know if he even knows where he is right now."

30 more minutes of cold. Why did I wear these fucking chucks?

Good ol' boy tow truck finally shows up right after my driver shows up. We handle that situation and it's off to bed for everyone.

So here, finally is where the miracle comes in. I have been struggling with my bills and my income lately and the one major thing that I needed to get rid of that I wasn't sure how was my insane car bill. $310 a month and because of a period of having no insurance an additional $260 a month!

Well guess the fuck what, ladies and gentlement! Today, it is official. The car is declared a total loss, the payout includes more than what I owe Chase and I am getting a small (BUT OH SO VERY NOT NEGATIVE) check.

So I don't have a car. I don't have money right off the bat to buy a car. If anything I'm not buying ANY motor vehicles for as long as I can stand it.

But fucking hell, my quality of life just shot right back up through the roof. I am officially back in the game.

Neighbors

Part of the joy of a low cash lifestyle (LCL) is the neighborhoods you tend to live in.

City dwelling LCLers tend to live in what I call transitional neighborhoods. These are places where uptight white people give you second glances when you live there, then recount an isolated act of violence from 8 years ago involving the neighborhood.

These are not bad neighborhoods, but they generally arn't the best. However, they always have the best neighbors.

I don't know what it is about semi-shitty neighborhoods that breed such great neighbors... I will have a few posts cataloging some of my favorites. There was pumpkin head, boy, dark boy, dark fabio, ob-man-drag, and others too numerous to mention.

I'll start with a personal favorite.

This one lady was an odd duck. She lived in the public housing building across the street, and she wore winter clothes all year long. You also would never see her without a stuffed oversized backpack.

Now, seeing a 50 year old lady walk around dressed for an artic tundra in 90 degree weather wasn't too horribly peculiar for the nighborhood. However, she felt the need to seek us out and talk to us on two occasions.

The first time this lady involved herself in my life, myself and three other friends were on the sidewalk chatting on a summer day. She was walking by on the sidewalk on the other side of the street. One of my friends is telling some pointless story or relating something from a tv show he had seen, when this lady interrupts us with a question:
Lady-"Excuse me, are you all talking about me?"
Me-"No?"
Lady-"Ok. You see, some people have been talking about me. I went to the library on Monday. I went to the movies on Tuesday. And on Wednesday the doctor shot me with a gun, but I got away and got better. And Sally was telling people how the doctor shot me, but I didn't want Sally to tell anyone. I don't like Sally. Were you all talking about me?"
Me-"No..."
Shot-me Lady-"Well Ok. Its not nice to talk about people."
Me-"...right..."
At this point Shot-me Lady walks away. as soon as she enters her building, the four of us collapse in laughter. That is what blooming unmedicated schizophrenia looks like after a wet spring.

Now, some background before this next part of the story. Myself and my then-roommate had reason to believe a serial arsonist was running around our neighborhood. There were multiple large structure fires in the area, and they always occured at the same time of day... (I should also note that I am a firefighter, and therefore have some expertise on the subject...)

We (myself and my roommate) were working on the first floor of our multistory house. I was hidden in a stairwell about halfway back in the house, and my roommate, Brian, was close to the front door. Someone knocked, and Brian opens the door assuming it is the UPS man for yet another roommate. To Brian's horror, he opens the door to Shot-me lady...
Brian-"uh... Hi."
Shot-me Lady-" ..... "
Brian-"Can I help you?
Shot-me Lady-"Does the fireman live here?" (Me- OH SHIT!)
Brian-"Who?"
Shot-me Lady-"There was a party here last week. And when I was walking by across the street, the fireman yelled from the porch at me. He said 'you got it, yeah, you got it.'" (this yelling incident did not take place)
Brian-"What?"
Shot-me Lady-"He said yeah, you got it. Is he here?"
Brian-"No."
Shot-me Lady-"Are you sure. blah blah McCrazy frakin blah. I don't like people yelling at me. There was a party here and all the people were talking about me and they were laughing...."

While Brian is stuck at the door with this crazy old bat, I had summoned other roommates to the stairwell to laugh at Brian's misfortune. After a few minutes, we call Brian on my cell phone, and whisper "get out". He finally works his way out of the conversation using my phone call, and closes the door on Shot-me Lady. We would retreat upstairs and hide/drink beer for the next few hours.

She would be readmitted to the "home" later that fall. The fires stopped at the same time.

Crazy neighbors....

Sorry

Sorry for the delay in new posts fans!  Multiple factors are slowing posting speeds.  Hoping to return to "normal" soon.

Cheers!