My Xmas Miracle

This Xmas I drove my car into a tree.

What a shitty year it's been. Every month getting worse and worse. And I drive my car headlong into a tree on Xmas. Fuck me running. Or driving. Well, if anything I am fucked. Good and proper.

I was coming down Eastern right past Barret and skid off the road, smashing a sapling, kissing a fire hydrant (Thanks Jake, I don't think I'll ever forget that phrase for the rest of my life) and driving smack dab into the trunk of a very large tree.

I'll tell you this much, my life sure as hell didn't flash before my eyes. Hell no. Nope, all I experienced was "Fuck, I'm toast."

THEN POW THE AIR BAG GOES OFF.

My first post-near death experience was to simply get really pissed. I had already left a party pissed and had just wanted to get home. Now? I drive my car into a tree. I can't even afford to pay my rent let alone repairs. and OH FUCK I JUST LEFT A PARTY WHERE I HAD A BOURBON AND COKE FUCK. 

I don't know if I turned the car off or if I just started wailing on the steering wheel. I mean, what a god damn way to end this shitty shitty year.

Then I walk out of the car. YES OF COURSE IT'S FUCKING COLD OUT. But then it occurs to me that I should probably check for bodily injury. Well, fuck me running, I'm without a scratch. Not even a burn from the air bag. Oh but wait a second I just drove my car into a fucking tree dammit all to hell!

Then up stroll a couple of guys. Start asking me if I'm ok and whole spiel. Turns out that one of them was apparently a paramedic who just happened to be driving the opposite direction and saw the whole thing. Starts asking how fast I think I was going and then starts telling me

"Oh, no you were probably going faster than that."

"Wha-"

"So where did you come from"

I didn't even have time to take it in that he would have confronted me about my mistaken judgement but whatever. I tell him I just came from up on Norris AveStDrWhatTheFuckEver

Of course he wants to know what's going on and getting in my business and asking a lot of dumb questions. Which of course, leads to the inevitable life lessons he's passing down. Now, it's not life lessons in the sense that "you should drive better." It was life lessons like "at least you're not dead". I was close to telling him to go fuck off, but I figure that in some fashion I'm making him feel better. I'm sure everyone of you who read this would have definitely surely told him to fuck off, but hindsight is 20/20 here, gang.

So inevitably, the cops show up and they take everybody's statements."I was coming from a party, had a drink..."

Pause. 

At this point, I'm not even going to try to lie to a cop. I'm no liar as it is. Besides, I JUST HAD THAT BOURBON AND COKE. I don't see how it's possible for him to not notice this. I just tell him how it is.

"... I was angry after the party, and I just wanted to go home, and the car started to skid. I tried to correct myself but flew right off the road into this tree. I would say I was going 45, but my friend here... well."

"Oh, he was going 50 at least for sure..."

What the hell can you do? I just let it go. I had enough to worry about and besides I wouldn't have to see this asshole again. Because why have an asshole when you've got a cop whose first question is always the ultra comforting

"Have you ever been arrested before?"

Holy shit. I nearly threw up. I do not want to get A) arrested again and B) sent to jail on fucking Xmas for fuck's sake!But I reign it in. I steel my reserve. "I'm not going to get arrested. Nope. Okay, maybe I am. So what. It's just on a Saturday night which means I'll be in until Monday. Fucking shit. Fuck this ye.."

"Yes." and on with those details. And all the rest of it.

Finished with the questioning, he inspects the car and the tire tracks and pops into his squad car. I'm standing out in the freezing ass cold in chucks for what seems like an HOUR (probably 5 minutes) while he fills out his report and paperwork and maybe secretly telling his friends how dumb I am. Finally he strolls out and it happens.

The test.

"Well it's over, me. We are well and truly fucked. We had a good run, but luck has finally..."Wait a second. He's going to test my balancing? My fucking balancing? DUDE YOU ARE MESSING WITH A FUCKING ACROBAT HERE. Or the next closest thing. The one where they balance themselves. Balancarina?

Shit I pass that thing with so many flying colors, I was amazed that he didn't give me a god damn hi-five and a bud light. Confidence, son! I sometimes have it!

Then I finally get to call for a ride. Thank christ that people I know have been in contact with me all night up until the wreck. Of course they've been drinking, so they don't just jump out of the car when the cops are still there, but when the cops are gone, they pop on out. 

One of them is so drunk he starts texting people to tell them that he is really drunk.

At this point I had gotten a hold of a tow truck and told the driver

"Take this sauced up bastard home before he throws up everywhere. He means well, but I don't know if he even knows where he is right now."

30 more minutes of cold. Why did I wear these fucking chucks?

Good ol' boy tow truck finally shows up right after my driver shows up. We handle that situation and it's off to bed for everyone.

So here, finally is where the miracle comes in. I have been struggling with my bills and my income lately and the one major thing that I needed to get rid of that I wasn't sure how was my insane car bill. $310 a month and because of a period of having no insurance an additional $260 a month!

Well guess the fuck what, ladies and gentlement! Today, it is official. The car is declared a total loss, the payout includes more than what I owe Chase and I am getting a small (BUT OH SO VERY NOT NEGATIVE) check.

So I don't have a car. I don't have money right off the bat to buy a car. If anything I'm not buying ANY motor vehicles for as long as I can stand it.

But fucking hell, my quality of life just shot right back up through the roof. I am officially back in the game.